A fly was sitting on a completely bald person's head.
Second fly lands there and comments, "Nice, clean home."
First fly says, "This is not a home, it's just the plot."
Two men were playing golf one morning. One of them was on the green preparing to putt when a funeral procession started passing on the road next to the golf course. The man preparing to putt paused from his game and bowed his head respectfully until the procession had passed.
When he finished his putt, his partner remarked, "That was really respectful of you to pause for that funeral procession!"
His buddy replied, "Well, I was married to her for 35 years!"
Monday morning a man bumped into the priest, “Good morning Father, you should know, I was by your sermon yesterday, and I couldn't fall asleep last night!"
“Why what was it that I said?" asked the priest.
“Oh no, I wasn't listening to what you said, I slept the whole way through."
After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.