So I'm sitting in a bar across from two very large women and I say, "Cool accents are you two from Scotland?"
One yells back, "IT's WALES YOU IDIOT!"
I say, "Ok so you are two whales from Scotland?"
I don't remember much after that
Dying wife to her husband:
Wife: I know you'll marry again someday. She will live in this house and sleep in our bed, and use my dishes. And that's alright. But I want you to promise me something.
Husband: What's that honey?
Wife: I don't want your 2nd wife to wear my clothes.
Husband: Alright I promise. Your clothes won't fit Betty anyhow.
Employer: "We need someone responsible for this job."
Applicant: "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob goes into his bedroom, and without a word, demands a divorce from his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."