An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
This poor man is facing surgery on both his feet because of severe wounds. The doctor has warned him that he cannot tell how bad the damage is until he gets him in the operating room and he has prepared the man for the worst.
After surgery, the man is slowly waking up and he sees the surgeon approaching his bed. The doc looks at him and says, "I have good news news and I have bad news - which would you like first?"
The man nervously responds, "Give me the bad news first." The doc says, "I had to take both your feet"
"Oh my, what could possibly be the good news?" says the man.
"The guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!"
A Student wanting to measure something asks his teacher, "Sir, do you have a ruler?"
"Yes," answers the teacher, "She's at home watching the kids."
A woman was following her boyfriend home in her car when he hit a rabbit in the road. He stopped the car and saw the rabbit lying prone in the road. He felt terrible.
His girlfriend assessed the situation and dug into her purse and sprayed the rabbit who quickly jumped up hopped a few feet and turned and waved one of his front paws.
The boyfriend said what did you spray him with? She said my hair spray it says on the label:
REVIVES DEAD HAIR (hare) GIVES PERMANENT WAVE