Latest Jokes

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns a beautiful blue-green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

A professor has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting, he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City."

The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the professor steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The professor is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life teaching and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results. All of your people sleep through your lectures, in his taxi, they pray!"

One night, a torrential rain storm soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. She saw it float far out into the front yard then float back to the house. It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that there baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, that's my husband. I told that jackass he gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water!"

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".