Latest Jokes

When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

“For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”

“I don’t understand that,” I replied defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”

There were two hunters who had never hunted before, so they took a hunters safety course. In this course it was stressed that if you ever got lost in the woods, firing three shots in the air was the universal signal that you needed help.

The very first day of hunting the two hunters became lost. It started to get dark, so one of the hunters said that they better shoot three times into the air so that someone would come help them. They shot three times into the air and waited three hours but no one came. One hunter said that they should shoot three more times. They did so and waited three more hours but still no one came. One hunter said they should shoot three more times and the other hunter said that he could not do so. With that the first hunter asked, "Why not?" The second hunter replies, "I only have two arrows left."

One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

Two friends were walking home after a party and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from
the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You
scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"