A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home"? he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day, the collector tried again.
"Is Fred here today"?
"No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day, he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again"?
"No," the woman answered solemnly. "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
"Gone, but not for cotton."
3 boys are fishing on a river and a man comes floating by screaming help. The 3 boys grab the man and they realize it is Justin Bieber! Justin said thank you and he wanted to give each boy a gift, anything they wanted.
The first boy said, I haven't been to Disney World. Justin gave him and his family an all expense paid trip to Florida.
The second boy said, that he loves fishing but his dad works to much. Justin bought him and his dad an all expense paid trip to Alaska.
The third boy said what about a motorized wheel chair, with a tv and an Xbox attached, and it dispenses candy. Justin said yes, and that was great that he was giving away his gift. He asked who would be getting this gift? It's for me he replied. To that Justin replied, you can walk just fine though.
I will need that wheel chair after my dad finds out I pulled you out of the river.
A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."