Latest Jokes

A chicken and a goat decided to take a walk.

As they were walking, a car drove past them with speed and splashed some water on them. The chicken took offence and said, “Look at how they drive, like goats!” And the goat replied, “No wonder they die like chickens.”

How Churches might be in 2020:

PASTOR: Praise the Lord.

CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!

PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon. Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WiFi using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker.

CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless you all.

CONGREGATION: Amen!

A city feller was out driving in the mountains when around a curve a large mountain man stepped out and flagged him down. The city feller stopped, the mountain man got in and pulled a jar out of his coat pocket and said here take a pull out of this. The city feller said no thanks. The mountain man said no go ahead take a swig. The city feller again refused and said no I'm good. The mountain man now quite sternly demanded, I said take a drink, when the city feller once more refused the mountain man pulled a large horse pistol out of his pocket, pointed it at the city feller and roared, I said take a drink. The city feller said alright hand her here. He proceeded to take a healthy swig and for about 5 minutes he couldn't breathe, hear or see. When he finally got his wits about him, he asked the mountain man, how you can drink that stuff anyhow? The mountain man replied, I can't hardly, now you hold the gun on me and make me take a drink.

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I"m going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how"d this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my Forehead!!!