Latest Jokes

A man calls technical support for his computer.
(M = Man)
(T = Technical support)
M: Ok, the screen is blue and it says windows has been shut down because an error has been detected.
T: All right, press ctrl alt delete.
M: Now what?
T: Does it say press any key to continue?
M: Yeah, why?
T: Well, lets see, hmm.....PRESS IT!!!!
M: Wait let me find it first.
T: Just Press Any Key!!!
M: I'M TRYING TO FIND IT...!
T: When it says any key it means to press ANY key...
M: Oh wait. I found it he he...
T: What does it say now?
M: Sorry the 'Any' key you have pressed does not exist, please click any key.
T: Well, what are you waiting for?
M: I'm still looking for it.
T: I though you found it?
M: Yeah I did but the 'any' it was spelt 'enee' now its spelt 'any'
T: ..."

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!

Billy walks into class late. His teacher says, “Billy, do not walk into class late again."

The next day Billy crawls into class late once again. His teacher says, “Billy, I thought I told you not to come into class late?"

Billy responds, "No, you told me I couldn't walk into class late."

Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering