* In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
* The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
* Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
* Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
* The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
* There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.
* An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
* Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
* Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
* There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
* Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
A multimillionaire bachelor goes to his club to play golf with two friends. Not knowing who would be joining them, they walk to the first tee.
As they finish teeing off, a tall, beautiful, raven-haired woman asks if she can join them. Although the bachelor thinks this is going to slow down their play, he agrees. The woman tees up a ball and, without a practice swing, smacks it straight down the middle.
This goes on all day and she finishes even par for the round, beating all the men.
They invite her back the next week. They have a great time, and she shoots the same score. The bachelor thinks to himself, "This is the girl of my dreams!" So he asks her out on a date. They go out, find they have much in common and have a great evening.
They make another golf date, during which she shoots two-under and gives a clinic in shotmaking.
The millionaire is now convinced that they are meant to be together. He invites her back to his apartment, where they talk for hours. Everything is progressing smoothly, so he invites her to his bedroom. Their passions run riot, but she doesn't let things go too far and he drives her home.
This pattern continues for a month: Great golf, great dates, but nights of abbreviated passion. The bachelor can't take it anymore.
"I know the time we spent on the golf course and in my apartment is wonderful. And even though we haven't been fully intimate, I know that I love you, you love me, and that you are the girl I want to marry!"
"Darling," she says, "I have something to tell you. I can not hide it anymore. I am a man!"
His mouth drops open, his face turns red, he begins to shake. She's convinced he's going to have a heart attack, or worse, when finally, in a blind rage, he shouts, "And all, this time, you've been playing from the red tees?"
Four guys enjoying a round of golf come up to the 18 hole. The first 3 guys put their ball in the fairway, the last guy drives his ball over the fence with his new Titleist. He tells his friends to finish up and that he will meet them in club house.
After a half hour goes by and finally the 4th golfer comes back all beat up with bumps and cuts on his head and bleeding all over. All his fellow golfers are like, what the heck happened?
He tells them the story. Over the fence was a bunch of cows. I noticed one cow was moaning and carrying on crazy. I slowly lifted her tail and there was a ball stuck in the you know what. Gladly it was not mine. About that time a lady came over the fence looking for her ball. So I told her to come over and let me show you something. I raised the tail on that cow and said to her does that look like yours?
After that I don't remember much...
Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world!"