misc jokes

What do you call a number of mechanics?

A clutch!

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks.

The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk, you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him. The year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"

Mr. Bolton was proud of his lawn and gardens, but the sidewalk bothered him. Some of the tiles were stained, some showed different levels of wear and some just looked old. He had a brilliant idea, "Why not paint the sidewalk?"

So he went to the local hardware store and found a cement paint that was labelled light grey. He rushed home, got out a paint roller, and in a short time he had the walk completely painted. When it dried, it was beautiful and bright and looked brand new.

He deemed the project a success, but it does have one draw back. Visitors and the mail man now walk on his lawn so as not to stain the sidewalk.

You know its going to be a bad day if:

You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.

Your car horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck while you’re following a group of Hell’s angels.

You see a ’60 minutes’ team waiting in your office

The boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

Your blind date turns out to be your wife.

Your twin forgot your birthday.

Your Income Tax check bounces.