misc jokes

Joe and Sue were listening to the Minneapolis weather report at breakfast. The announcer said, "There will be three to five inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street." Joe got up from the breakfast table and went out to move their car.

Two days later they heard another radio report, "There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park on the even-numbered side of the street." Joe grumbled and went out to move their car.

Three days later the weatherman announced, "There will be two to twelve inches of snow today and you must park..."

Just then the power went out and they didn't get the rest of the instructions. "Great," said Joe. "What are we supposed to do now?"

"Aw, Joe" Sue replied, "just leave the car in the garage."

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach...

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

I was standing in line in a bank one day when a teenager called out in a loud voice, "Did anyone lose a big wad of bills with a rubber band around it?"

Two men and a woman quickly called out, "I did!"

The teenager responded saying, "Well I found the rubber band!"

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide replied, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."