misc jokes

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.

You only need two tools:
WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
* And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Q. There is a King, Queen, and two Twins in a room. How are there no adults in the room?

A. They're all beds!

There I was totally naked.

Two hands running freely all over my body.

No area seemed OFF LIMITS but I wasn’t shy or embarrassed.

Yet I did not experience the euphoria one could imagine.

This was not the first time nor I expect will it be the last.

I waited patiently for any further sensations as these hands wandered seemingly with purpose yet resulting in no response from me.

So these so called hot steamy sessions are always flat.

Oh well! – I guess showering is like that! We'll see what happens tomorrow.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'