misc jokes

Two dumb fishermen are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first fishermen.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second fishermen, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the fishermen started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

I have this friend. His name is Sam Katz.

One day he bragged to me that, "Everyone knows Sam Katz!"

I said, "You don't know the president of the United States." He said , "Let's go to the White House and I'll prove it."

So we went to the White House and Barack Obama greeted him and said to him, "Hey Sam Katz! How are you doing?"

After all the greetings I said, "You don't know Queen Elizabeth."

He said, "Let's go to Buckingham Palace and I'll prove it."

So we go there and the Queen says "Sam Katz, so good to see you again!"

After the greetings I said to him, "Okay. One last person, you don't know the pope."

He said, "Let's go to the Vatican and you wait outside and we'll come outside by the window and wave to you."

So that's exactly what we do. The next thing I do is faint.

My friend asked me, "What happened to you? I tell him, "It was one thing when you knew the president. It was another thing when you knew the queen. But when you came out with the pope by the window, and the guy next to me asked, "Who's the guy with Sam Katz?" I completely lost it.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.

Thus proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A few years I got tired of the city life and bought a little cabin In the remote mountains of Alaska. It was a long winter, but made it thru it.

One day I heard a knock at my door I opened it and there stood a big burly guy. He said he lived over the mountain and had seen my smoke. He said he is throwing a spring party over at his cabin. He said it will be tomorrow and asked me if I wanted to come?

I said ya, its been a long winter,

He said There would be a lot of drinking,

I said I like to drink.

Also there will probably be some fighting,

I said I could hold my own.

Then he said, oh, there will be a lot of sex,

I said wow, Its been a long time for me.

He said see you tomorrow and started to walk off.

I said what time should I be there?

He said, it doesn't matter, There's only going to be you and me!