misc jokes

Two friends were walking home after a party and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of
the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from
the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath. "You
scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you
doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Patient: Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.

Doctor: Are you taking anything for it?

Patient: Black pepper.

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33.

So I asked the owner if he had a pair.

He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just:

* sits in your living room,
* messes up your stuff,
* eats your food,
* uses your telephone,
* takes your money,
* and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place...

You either married it or gave birth to it?