Best Jokes

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool. He should have had me put the money in the basement."

An old farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. The reporter asked what he is going to do with all the money.

"Oh, I reckon the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills."

"And what about the rest?" the reporter continued.

The farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”

“I was a police officer,” he responded.
“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.
“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”
“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”

He asked the second man what he did as a police officer. “I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”
“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”

He asked the third man what he did as a police officer. “I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.

“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”

What do you call a mean mother hen?

An egg beater.