Best Jokes

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds. One cold evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair.

On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird.

"I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please dear," she said, "not in front of the chilled wren."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing giraffes even if there are none."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a psychiatrist?"

The man replies, "No, just giraffes."

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of an extended visit of old Aunt Emma.
For seven long weeks she lived with them, always nagging, always demanding. Finally she decided to leave.

On the way back from driving her to the airport, the husband confessed to his wife, "Honey, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all this time."

His wife looked at him aghast. "MY Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story. "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."