Best Jokes

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I went with risk instead."

An elderly couple living in Florida had not seen their son and daughter for quite a while. The mom called the daughter living in New York and told her that mom and pop were going to get a divorce right after Christmas because they couldn't get along after 35 years of marriage

The daughter called her brother in New Jersey with the news and the brother then called his dad saying do not do anything sis and I will be up to talk to you before Christmas.

After hanging up the old man yelled out to his wife. "Great news the kids are coming for Christmas and they are paying their own way."

Teacher: At the end of this ruler is a stupid student (pointing at student).

Narrator: The student got detention for say "Which end?"

A couple went to the psychiatrist with their twins, as they seemed to be completely opposite. The doctor noted that one was a Pessimist and one was an optimist.

He put the pessimist in a room filled with new toys. He then, put the optimist in a room full of horse poop.

After a period of time, they looked into the pessimist's room and he was stepping on and breaking all the toys, saying, "I don't like these....none of them!"

They went to the optimist's room that was full of manure, about chest deep and found the little boy yelling, "Whee! Whee!", and throwing handfuls of manure up in the air.

They asked him why he was doing that and he replied, "With all this horse poop in here, there's bound to be a pony somewhere!"