Best Jokes

There was a man who computed his taxes and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029).

This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the over-payment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

A lawyer is walking along the beach and spots a glass bottle in the sand. When he opens it he discovers a genie inside.

Genie: Sir, I will grant you three wishes, but you must understand that whatever you wish for, every other lawyer in the world will get double.

Man: Hmmm. Okay. First I'd like $100 million.

Genie: No problem, but just understand that each lawyer got $200 million.

Man: I understand. For my second wish, I'd like a new Porsche. In red, please.

Genie: Fine. It is in your garage. And just FYI, every lawyer in the world just got two of the same.

Man: That's okay with me.

Genie: And for your third wish?

Man: Well, I always did want to donate a kidney . . .

At one point during a baseball game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get the chicken newspaper.

You get it?

I don't get it either. I get The Daily Herald.