Latest Jokes

A land surveyor was tasked with mapping a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes. He needed a stout machete to clear thick brush as he went on. Along the way, he came upon a golf club that an irate player must have hurled into the woods. It was in good condition, so he picked it up and continued on.

When he broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at him in awe. After all, he had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind him was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who really hates to lose a ball!"

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, "You got any grapes?" Guy at the counter says, "No, we don't have any grapes." Duck says "okay" and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says, "You got any grapes?" The man once again replies, "No! We do not have any grapes." The duck says "okay" and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks, "You got any grapes?" The man is very annoyed and says, "No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!" The duck replies "okay" and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, "You got any nails?" The man at the counter says "No." The duck says, "Well then, you got any grapes?"

A young couple lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.

"Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"

The woman didn't believe the clerk. The clerk said to the dog, "karate a chair." The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to "karate the table," and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home. Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog. The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.

"Karate, my behind!" the husband replied sarcastically.

To this very day, he is still in the hospital.

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house. The woman quickly rolls over and blurts out, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

The man jumps out of bed, gathers some of his clothing, jumps through the window, and crawls through the bushes and out on the street. After a moment, a realization sinks in. He calmly goes back into the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"

Without missing a beat she replies, while giving him a dirty look. "So why did you run?"