After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
"I found the remote," he said.
Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice women, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find one who's just like your dear ol' Mother?"
Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.
"So Ron. Did you find the perfect woman yet? One that's just like your Mother?"
Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"
A woman begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins.
She again prays, "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
So, once again, she prays, "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You. Please let me win the lottery just this one time, so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the Heavens open. She is overwhelmed by the voice of God, Himself.
He says, "Sweetheart, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."