Latest Jokes

A man walks into a bar. He gets very drunk and asks the bartender where the restroom is.

The bartender explains it's the third door to the right, but the man goes into the third door to the left. He finds a large golden toilet. The man takes a big poop in it and leaves.

He continues to return to drink there every week, and every time he goes to poop in that golden toilet.

One day he finds the golden toilet is gone, so he asks the bartender about it.

The bartender exclaims, "So you're the one who's been pooping in my tuba!"

What is the favorite pastime for Retired Lawyers?

Ambulance chasing!

----- Old Habits Die Hard-----

To get a massive and immediate attention from a buyer, the Vacuum Cleaner salesman opens a bag of horse manure and spreads it all over the carpet.

Then he says to the possible buyer with confidence, "Mrs. if this vacuum cleaner can't clean all that manure I will eat the rest!"

The lady asks, "Do you want ketchup with that?"

Why the salesman ask?

"Because we just moved in and we don't have electricity yet!"

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the head monk, "What's wrong, father?"

The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, "The word is celebrate not celibate!"