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Favorite this joke Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Please step to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
So every morning a husband would wake up in the morning and pass gas really loud. The wife told him one day if you keep that up you are going fart out your guts.
The husband said no way it is impossible. Well this went on for along time.
Finally the wife was cooking Thanksgiving dinner and while she was taking all the guts out of the bird she had an Idea. She sneaked in there bedroom and stuffed all the turkey guts in his underwear.
The next morning she heard him wake up and fart really loud. After that it was quiet for some time.
Then her hubby came down and said, "You where right I did fart out my guts. But thank goodness I was able stuff them all back in!"
A guy walks into a bar and asks, "Who owns that Doberman tied up outside?"
A man replies, "That's my dog".
"Well," says the first man, "I think my Chihuahua killed him."
"Your CHIHUAHUA killed my Doberman?"
"How'd he do that?" asks the man at the bar.
"I'm not sure. I think he got lodged in his throat".
Here's how I will improve my odds if I were a Bond-film-villain:
• I will not burst into rage and kill the messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
• My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
• If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him.
• My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
• When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.
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