Latest Jokes

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She was going 65 on a street where the speed limit was 40.

A cop pulled her over and said “ma’am, can I please see your license?”

She said, “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

His brow furrowed and he straightened up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”

She said, “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for back-up.” He muttered furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walked over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asked sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiled demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squinted warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbled. “Can I see the registration to this car?”

She pulled it out of the glove compartment and handed it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!” He banged open the trunk of the car and flinched: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

Teacher: At the end of this ruler is a stupid student (pointing at student).

Narrator: The student got detention for say "Which end?"

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, I bumped into an old friend of mine, Rob, from high school. “You look great Rob, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be at least 65 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” I exclaimed.

“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied Rob.

“That’s incredible,” I said, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”

“Did I say he was dead?” asked Rob. “He’s 81 and is more active than ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded Rob.

“Whoa! Well, how old was your Grandfather when he died?”

“Did I say he died” asked Rob. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!"

“Getting married?!” I asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!

Rob looked at me, smiled, and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

One man says to another man, "I nicknamed my wife after a flower. I call her 'Rose."

Second man says, "I nicknamed my wife after a flower also! I call her snapdragon!"