Latest Jokes

A man called, furious about an Orlando Florida vacation package a Travel Agency had booked for him. He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room.

The Travel Agency explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

“Don’t lie to me,” he said. “I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says,

"So you're a Priest. I'm a Rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The Rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Morgen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the Rabbi.

The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the Priest.

The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker. One day, the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound, and he found that he was not. This angered him, and he took the farmer to court. ...

The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measurement.

The farmer replied, "Your Honor, I am primitive. I don't have a proper measurement, but I do have a scale."

The judge asked, "Then how do you weigh the butter?"

The farmer replied "Your Honor, long before the baker started buying butter from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him. Every day, when the baker brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter. If anyone is to be blamed, it is the baker."

A couple went to the psychiatrist with their twins, as they seemed to be completely opposite. The doctor noted that one was a Pessimist and one was an optimist.

He put the pessimist in a room filled with new toys. He then, put the optimist in a room full of horse poop.

After a period of time, they looked into the pessimist's room and he was stepping on and breaking all the toys, saying, "I don't like these....none of them!"

They went to the optimist's room that was full of manure, about chest deep and found the little boy yelling, "Whee! Whee!", and throwing handfuls of manure up in the air.

They asked him why he was doing that and he replied, "With all this horse poop in here, there's bound to be a pony somewhere!"