Latest Jokes

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you
have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon
recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,
liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she
was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of
the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you”

A young woman came back from her honeymoon and called her mother. Mama, I need to see you right away. The mother ran over to her daughter’s house. The daughter said, Mama I have to leave my husband, I just can't stay with him. The mother advised her daughter” now look here, your married to him now so you need to stay with him. But mama, he says these things, these things. No matter my dear daughter he is your husband and your place is by his side. But mama, you don't understand that he says these things, these. So the mother asked her daughter what things the husband is saying. Mama, he says, wash clothes, cook dinner & iron clothes. The mother quickly said, pack your bags, your going back home.

A beggar goes door-to-door looking for food, he rang on one door and a person comes out:
-What do you want?
Can I have some food?
-Do you mind if it is from yesterday?
Of course not
-So, come back tomorrow!

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"