Latest Jokes
Favorite this joke MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from ceiling with stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal.
At a mental health hospital a psychiatrist sets a test to determine the mental progress of his three top patients. He gets three chairs and repaints them. Before they dry, he re-positions them in a room in such a way that one is in front of the other.
After this, he calls the three patients and asks them to seat down. The first two gladly sit on the wet chairs at the front. However, the third who comes in last takes one look at the wet chair and then proceeds to the corner of the room where there is a pile of papers. He takes one sheet which he drapes on the wet chair before sitting.
Surprised by the action of the third, the doctor asks him why he draped the sheet of paper on the wet chair.
“That's easy," came the reply, "seeing that I am seated at the back, I needed to be a bit raised if I wanted to see what's happening at the front."
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I screamed. “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You keep knocking on your own front door.
9. You remove your false teeth to change your appearance.
8. You ask for soft, high fiber candy only.
7. Someone drops a candy bar in your bag and you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.
5. The door opens, you yell "Trick or..." but you can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You keep having to go home to use the bathroom.
Free Daily Joke