misc jokes

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it... you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50."

The next day someone stole it.

Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic."

Step 2: Plug it into your computer.

Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel.

Step 4: Feel like a hero.

Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:

1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hells Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."

4. "One bleeding mirror doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."

7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the punk band 'Grave Robber' holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."

A homeowner in the former USSR puts a call in to the plumber to request an appointment to get his toilet fixed. The plumber says hold while he looks it up in his appointment book.

Plumber: Okay, I can be by you on a Wednesday, in 3 years, 7 months, and five days from now.

Customer: Will that be morning or evening?

Plumber: Why do you ask?

Customer: Because the electrician is coming in the morning.