misc jokes

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA online. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison."

If you walk by a pond and hear someone shouting, "I'm thinking! I'm thinking!", you better spring into action...

He could have a lisp.

A young woman, who isn't too bright, goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

She counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying, "Umm... 23".

The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And eh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The girl bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Barbara".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, miss, we can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Oh that!" replies the girl, "I was just running through, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"