misc jokes

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BARE: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

When I heard A new medium opened shop in town, curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to drive down there and check it out in person. As soon as I sat down, the medium entered the room, came over and sat down across from where I was seated.

She laid her hand on my hand and said, "By the will of the spirits, you will walk today." I told her that I was not paralyzed, and I could walk. Again she said, " By the will of the spirits, you will walk today." Again I said that there is nothing wrong with me.

After the séance, I stepped outside and lo and behold… My car was gone!

When you know it's time for a new car when...

- You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.
- You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.
- You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

- The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."
- The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.
- You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

- Evel Knievel refuses a free lift.
- The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.
- The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian.

I'm kind of tired of being an amateur crastinater...

I'm thinking of turning pro, but I'm going to put that decision off for awhile.