misc jokes

A shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge showed the marooned sailor a few news headlines and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still wish to be rescued."

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes," he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

I met a Black Jack dealer and asked if she had any advice...

She said, "Yeah, don’t play!"

Two residents of the town voted the dumbest city in the United States went to the local library to find out the origins of this dubious honor. Pouring through the original charters and reproductions of documents on microfiche, they came to some stunning conclusions.

"They didn't even know how to plot out the parcels of land to establish the city limits," said Tom.

"And the first mayor didn't even graduate from high school," added William.

"Looks like they wrote out the township's constitution on toilet paper," Tom remarked.

"Yeah, and look at the picture of the first city council. Who drew question marks above their heads?" asked William.

"It seems like right from the beginning, stupidity was the order of the day." Tom lamented.

At the next council meeting Tom and William went before the citizens and told them everything they had learned about how their city had its initial beginnings. Needless to say, the town was dumbfounded.