misc jokes

A lot of people are afraid of heights...

Not me, I'm afraid of widths!

"Quick! Call a tree surgeon!"

"Why?"

"My maple tree is bleeding!"

"That's not blood, that's sap."

"What's sap?"

"Nothing. What's sap with you?"

I just received a letter from the IRS claiming I wasn’t honest on my tax return. I wrote them back saying if you want honesty, the next time you write start the letter out by saying “stick em up”!

Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.

The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.

On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish. Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn't tell the hotel when he finds out.

Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: "Dear Mr. Jones ... all is forgiven. Just tell us ... where is it?!?!"