misc jokes

Two best friends were having lunch together. One was trim and the other was rather rotund. The trim friend ordered a salad, his friend ordered a Ruben sandwich with large fries and a milkshake.

The trim one said, "You don't have to eat every speck off your plate; being overweight can put you in an early grave."

His friend replied, "You know I don't like wasting anything. When it's my time to go I plan on filling the box."

A guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, "Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can't help but notice that you’re using a stick a string and a safety pin for a hook."

His friend replied, "My wife thinks I'm wasting money so I told her I’d take the new rod and reel back if I didn’t catch a fish... any more questions?"

"Yes, why didn’t you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that's what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear."

His friend answered, "I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!"

Don't ever hit a guy with glasses, you could get sued...

Instead, try hitting him with paper cups...

It won't hurt him, but at least you made your point.

A guy is doing some handyman work at a house. Across the room is a large gray parrot on a perch. The family dog comes into the room and jumps up on the couch. The parrot says, “Get off the couch!” and the dog jumps down immediately.

A small child comes into the room with toys and the parrot says, “Go to your room!” and the child picks up his toys leaves without hesitation.

The guy turns to the parrot and says, “I’ve never seen anything like that before."

The parrot looks at the guy and says, “Get back to work!”