misc jokes

A customer to the bartender, as he tries to convince him that he is not drunk... "I feel more like I do now than I did when I came in here!"

My grandfather invited me to pick pine nuts with him. We went to the same place he took me jack rabbit hunting as a kid. He told me when the nuts get ripe, the cones opens up and they fall on the ground. He said all we have to do is pick them up.

After a few hours of picking I said, "Grandpa, do know the new technique they use these days sort out the best ones?"

He said, "No, what is it?"

I said, "You put them in water and if they float they're not going to taste so good!"

An undertaker can be one of your best friends...

He'll be the last one to let you down.