misc jokes

A chicken, a tomato, and a potato with a patch over one eye walked into a restaurant for breakfast.
The server came over to their table and said we’ve got chicken friend steak, hard boiled eggs with hash browns and V-8 on special.

After a moment of silence the chicken turned to the tomato and the potato with a patch over his eye and said, "You were right, we should have gone to the waffle house."

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

As the thief was about to flee the man said, "You have to come with me and meet my wife."

Astounded, the thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

The man replied, "Well, she's been expecting you for 20 years."

A lawyer returns to the parking lot to find his sports car with the headlights broken and considerable damage to the front end.

There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper: "Sorry, I just backed into your car. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and phone number. But I'm not."

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.

When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number. "I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.