Best Jokes

Shipwreck Diary...

Day 1: Alone, doing well. Mentally Sound. Met a crab.

Day 2: I have married the crab.

Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Two dog owners were boasting about the intelligence of their pets.

“The smartest dog I ever had,” said one, “was an amazing Afghan hound that could play cards. He was amazing at poker, he could beat anyone, even professionals. But I had to have him put down.”

“You had him put to sleep?” said the other. “You must be crazy. A bright dog like that could be worth a million dollars.”

“I had no choice. I caught him using marked cards.”

Tommy Bolt, winner of the 1958 US Open, tells the story of an incident he had during one of his golf tournaments. Bolt arrived at the golf course for the tournament and was approached by a youngster, "Mr. Bolt, do you need a caddy, sir?"

Bolt went to the caddy master and asked about the youngster. The man said, "He's a real good caddy, knows the course, the greens, and the rules of the game. But he talks a lot."

So Bolt went back to the youngster and said, "You can caddy for me on one condition, 'Don't say a word.'"

The young man accepted and carried Bolt's bag. The first three rounds went well, and Bolt was in contention in the fourth round, when an errant tee shot landed in the rough. The ball was sitting down in a bad patch of turf, with a difficult shot to the green which was well guarded by water on the right.

Bolt asked his caddy, "You think a five iron will do the trick?" The kid shook his head no, but never said a word.

"What, you want me to hit a six iron?" Again, the kid shook his head no, but did not speak.

Bolt grabbed a six iron and lashed the ball out of the rough and landed on the green, rolling to within three feet of the hole. As they walked to the green, Bolt said, "Aren't you going to say something now, after seeing a shot like that?"

His caddy then replied, "Mr. Bolt, that wasn't your ball."