An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband - "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
A software engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an electrical engineer are carpooling to work, when suddenly the car stops running and they pull over.
The mechanical engineer says, "I think it's a problem with the engine. I'll have to get out and inspect."
The electrical engineer says, "No, no. It's got to be an electrical issue. I will grab my meter and troubleshoot to find out what is going on."
The software engineer says, "Nuts to all that. Let's just get out and get back in again."
Guy tells his wife: For your birthday, how about a new car?
Wife: No.
Guy: How about a new boat?
Wife: No.
Guy: Well then, what do you want?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Guy: I wasn’t planning on spending that much money.