Best Jokes

My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.

"Well Mary," said the man, "near as I can figure, based on the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we've got a hog back on the farm worth at least $137,000."

A police theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the officer called the farmer directly.

"Is it true, Mr. Smith, that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth," lisped the farmer.

Being from that area herself, the officer clearly understood the farmer. She entered her report: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!"

The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'"

The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Miller Lite.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Miller Lite?"

"I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Lite at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby, want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a real winner this time."

The funeral for Bob is on Friday.