Best Jokes

I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:

"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work."

An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement:

"Resume all unnecessary work."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.

"Well Mary," said the man, "near as I can figure, based on the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we've got a hog back on the farm worth at least $137,000."

A police theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the officer called the farmer directly.

"Is it true, Mr. Smith, that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth," lisped the farmer.

Being from that area herself, the officer clearly understood the farmer. She entered her report: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."