Best Jokes

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

A father saw his son out in the backyard cleaning their homemade swing, a rubber tire hanging by a rope from a tree branch. The son was hosing it down, wiping it off, dusting out the inside.

The puzzled father went outside and said, “Son, I thought you were playing on the golf course with your friends this afternoon?”

"I was," replied the boy. "But the golf instructor said I needed to improve my swing."

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s office. “Why is your stomach so big?” he asks.

“I'm having a baby,” she replies.

“Is the baby in your stomach?” he asks, with his big eyes.

“Yes, it is.”

“Is it a good baby?”

“Oh, yes. A really good baby.”

Shocked and surprised, the little boy asks, “Then why did you eat him?”