Best Jokes

Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers.

One of these speakers boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

There were two hunters who had never hunted before, so they took a hunters safety course. In this course it was stressed that if you ever got lost in the woods, firing three shots in the air was the universal signal that you needed help.

The very first day of hunting the two hunters became lost. It started to get dark, so one of the hunters said that they better shoot three times into the air so that someone would come help them. They shot three times into the air and waited three hours but no one came. One hunter said that they should shoot three more times. They did so and waited three more hours but still no one came. One hunter said they should shoot three more times and the other hunter said that he could not do so. With that the first hunter asked, "Why not?" The second hunter replies, "I only have two arrows left."

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Next, try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

One woman married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 3 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 4 more children.

At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."