Best Jokes

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.

"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."

Patient (to Doctor), "I forget things easily. What should I do?"

Doctor, "I think first of all you should pay my bill".

A private just out of training is assigned to guard the main gate.

He is ordered to allow no one through unless they have the password.

A vehicle with a 3-star general inside rolls up. The private stops the vehicle and asks the driver for the password.

The driver doesn't know the password. The private, after saluting the general, asks him the for the password. The general doesn't know it either.

The private says, “I can’t let you through without the password.”

The general replies, “Son I'm the commander of this base and a 3-star general!”

The private says, “Sir, I still can’t let you pass."

The general tells the driver to drive on through.

The private then says to the general, “Sir I'm real new to this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”

"Doctor my husband is doing weird things lately," a lady complains to her psychiatrist. "I strongly feel something wrong with him."

"What is he doing, Mrs. Bankman, that looks weird to you?" asks the doctor.

"We'll he drinks his cup of tea in the morning and eats the cup leaving the cup's handle out."

The doctor looks startled and after the initial confusion he goes, "It is weird, he leaves the best part out."