Best Jokes

Two strings walk into a bar.

The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says. "Aren't you a string?" the bartender asks. "I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the CRAP out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!

Friend: Dude! You were so drunk last night!

Man: No I wasn't.

Friend: Oh really, you put my dog in a pillowcase and said "It's a pillow, It's a pet, it's a pillow pet!"

Man: It was a pet in a pillowcase!

Friend: It was a trash can.

Man: ...

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy, and one of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.

That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"