Best Jokes

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did. I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

This guy who is down and out on his luck finally gets a job at a funeral parlor, The boss tells him he will receive huge incentives if he digs out and bring back all the expensive coffins after every burial they conduct, He does very well at this until he's stopped one evening at a roadblock with a coffin full of mud. The officer asks him where is he going with this coffin and calls for backup.

The guy responds calmly, "Officer, I don't like the place they buried me, so I'm moving elsewhere."

My ex-wife goes bowling with the money I send her each month.

I guess that's why they call it alley money.

Q: Why do they call it PMS?

A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.