Best Jokes

The after dinner speaker was droning on and on and on, bring everyone to tears. One of the guests, fighting to keep his drooping eyelids open, turned to the lady on his right and said, “Can nothing be done to shut him up?”
“If there is I’d like to know,” said the lady, “—I’m his wife and I’ve been trying to shut him up for thirty years!”

After years of working for others and being passed over for promotions, John and his wife, Mary, decided to go into business together. After examining the classifieds, they bought a small candy stand, paying thirty cents for each box of candy and then selling it for thirty cents.

At the end of the day they were astonished to find that they had sold every box of candy – yet had exactly as much money as when they started.

“You see?” John snarled at his wife. “I told you we should have bought a larger stand!”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

A businesswoman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her. “Hi, honey,” he says. “Want a little company?”
“Why?” asks the woman? “Do you have one to sell?