Best Jokes

After much searching and research, I have found the meaning of life. It's in between lies and lift in the dictionary.

The Three Bears were about to enjoy breakfast together as usual when they were interrupted by a terrible ROAARR outside their humble cottage. Immediately, the door came crashing in and this huge ugly, fierce looking bear stood in their midst!

Without hesitation, the monster slurped up Papa Bear's porridge, then Mama Bear's, finally licking every morsel from Baby Bear's little bowl.

Suddenly, the intruder produced a pistol and fired several shots through the cottage roof! Where upon the furry animal walked calmly out the open door and disappeared into the forest.

WHAT WAS THAT? exclaimed Papa Bear.

I HAVE NO IDEA! said Mama Bear.

I Think it was a Koala Bear said Baby Bear.

Oh, no, Son, insisted Mama and Papa Bear. That was too big and fierce for a Koala bear. I'm pretty sure it WAS a Koala bear, said Baby Bear, walking over to the family library, and pulling down the bear history book.

Sure enough! Under the heading, KOALA BEAR it read. .......eats, shoots, and leaves.

After 30 years of marriage Jane as all women do started nagging to John her husband that he does not love her anymore and told him John why don't you go to get some advice from our friend the Bishop so you will love me more. Well John thought if I go to the Bishop I will drink some of his good wine and went.

When he came back he saw his wife at door, then he went up to her and lifted her and carried her from one room to other. She was really pleased with this gesture and asked What did Bishop tell you.

Well he told me go and carry your Cross and wonder who is my cross?

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said... 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"