Latest Jokes

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

I telephoned the veterinarian's office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked, "What is the kitten's name?"

"Demon," I replied.

"Demon? That's an odd name," she said.

"Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway."

I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for 'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?"

"Yes, it is."

"You really don't like cats, do you?"

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts, he asks Eric what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO....'"

A panhandler who was new to the business asked the advice of an old pro who has worked the streets for years. After hours of intensive training the old pro was ready to send the tenderfoot out. "Don't forget what I taught you, Frank," Bob told him.

They walked to the corner of a busy street. "Go get 'em, Frankie boy. Here comes a guy who looks like he's got some dough."

Frank walks up to the man and immediately starts his routine. "Hey man, got a quarter for a cup of coffee?"
"No."
"How about a dollar for a Mickey D's? C'mon man, I'm hungry!"
"I said no!"
"Then how about letting me use your credit card for some clothes??"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Can I borrow your car to visit my sick mama?"
"Get lost!
"Then just let me stay at your house until I get back on my feet."
"I'm calling 911!"

Dejected, Frank walks back over to Bob and asked him what he did wrong. "You violated the number one rule of begging," Bob told him.

"What's that?"

"Don't put all your begs in one ask-it!"