Latest Jokes

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up.

“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

“Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

Why did God create stock analysts? In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Bert and Ernie are walking down sesame street and Bert asks Ernie,
"Hey Ernie, you want to get some ice cream?"
What did Ernie say?

"Sure Bert"

[The next day, again] Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor then hands him the hot dog and Buddha pays him with a ten.

The vendor puts it in his till and moves on to the next customer.

Buddha says, "What about my change?"

The vendor replies, "change comes from within".