Latest Jokes

In Australia, a race was proclaimed, with a huge payoff for the winner. The one stipulation was that only ostriches were allowed to run the race. A fellow decided to enter, but not having an ostrich, and hearing that the fastest ostrich in the world was the mascot of the local police department, he stole the bird and entered the race. As luck would have it, when the pistol shot went off to start the race, the ostrich buried its head in the sand and the fellow lost the race.
Moral: Never run afoul of the law!

A blonde called her new boss to explain there was a problem with her check.
In checking the timesheets the boss noticed that she had not punched in since her first day of orientation. He tried to explain that her check was right since she had only worked the one day for the company.
The blonde went on insisting that her check was short, and that the company apparently had problems with their math in figuring out her check. She asked her boss how many days were in a year.
He said there are 365.
She asked if he knew how many weeks were in a year.
And he replied there are 52.
She went on to say that since there are 52 weeks per year in which she had 2 weekend days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since she was scheduled to work 8 hours a day, she spent 16 hours each day away from work, and that added up 170 days, leaving only 91 days for work.
She went on to explain that during the day she spent in company orientation she learned that the company allowed her 30 minutes each day for her two coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days for work.
Orientation also informed her that she would be given a 1-hour lunch each day, which used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
The company also allowed 2 days per year for sick leave, leaving her only 20 days per year to work.
The company additionally allowed her to be off 5 holidays per year, bringing her available working time down to 15 days.
Then there were the 14 days vacation the company so generously allowed all employees which leaves only 1 day for her to work ... and well, the boss has already conceded that she did time in and out on her orientation day, so would he please get her check corrected. And if it would be easier for the accounting department ... they could go ahead and make it out for her yearly salary, since she had obviously already put in her share of work for that year.

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.
"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"

You know how to catch a nice big trout? You look for a place in the stream where there's a sunken log or hole where the big ones like to hang out. Every day for a week, you throw in a handful of worms and a sugar cookie. On the last day, you just throw in the worms. When the trout sticks his head out of the water to see what happened to the sugar cookie, you hit him over the head with a baseball bat!