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Rules for villains:
Never leave 007 tied up alone; he’ll escape and mess everything up. Just trust me on that!
If you’re anywhere near the Daily Planet news agency and decide to rob a bank it’s imperative you hire people to use every phone booth in a ten block radius.
Villains, when you drive away from a hero chasing you (on foot) drive straight and step on it. If you make a turn you’ll hear a loud thump; that’s the hero jumping on your car. They know all the short cuts. If this happens slam on the breaks, don’t just weave back and forth or you’re duck soup.
Last but not least if you’re a villain in Gotham City blend in, don’t wear flashy distinctive clothing or make up especially improperly applied lip stick. If Super Hero’s don’t know who you are the chances are they’ll just look around and scratch their heads.
A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for
selling his land. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses
where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one
would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received:
- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock."
- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height."
- "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed."
- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
- "You don't look a day over 40."
- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study."
- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."
- "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same."
- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself."
- "Your hair looks just fine."
- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there."
- "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."
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