misc jokes

I'm beginning to think my five year old grandson is a genius...

I can't tell his paintings from that of Picasso!

Jake is struggling with two huge suitcases when a stranger asks, “Got the time?”

Jake glances at his wrist. “A quarter to six.”

“Nice watch,” the stranger says.

“Thanks,” Jake says. “I built it. It can speak the time aloud for any city, in any language. Plus it’s got GPS and an MP3 player.”

“Wow!” the man says. “How much?”

“This is my prototype. It’s not for sale.

“I’ll give you $1,000.”

“Can’t,” Jake says. “It’s not ready.”

“$5,000!”

“Well Okay, but...”

The man slaps a wad of cash into Jake’s hand, grabs the watch, and starts to walk away.

“Wait,” Jake yells, running toward him with the suitcases. “Don’t forget your batteries!”

Pierre, a meek Parisian sculptor never created anything larger than a man's fist, so the art world was surprised when he unveiled an entire elephant in marble.

"But Pierre," said one of his many fans, "how could you sculpt such a perfect likeness without a model?"

"There was nothing to it," explained Pierre. "I simply chipped off everything that didn't look like an elephant."

Several definitions you will only find in my dictionary:

Acoustic - what you use when you shoot pool
Alimony - the fee a woman charges when she loses your name
Banjo - don't invite Joseph
Caddy - lad who stands behind a golfer and doesn't see the ball either
Carbuncle - auto collision